Research shows that while only 10 percent of 3-year-olds have some understanding of death and its finality, that number jumps to about 58 percent in 4-year-olds. Studies also show that it isn’t until between the ages of five and nine that children start to understand that death is permanent and irreversible, although at this stage they tend not to relate to death as something that happens to them or those close to them.
Experiencing the death of someone close is confusing and difficult for both adults and children alike. However, children tend to grieve differently, in their own way. So helping children through grief can be extremely daunting for parents and loved ones. Here are some ideas and insights into helping children grieve.
Remain Developmentally Appropriate
The idea of death can be even more overwhelming for children, so be honest but answer questions and share information in ways that are developmentally appropriate. It’s important, particularly in younger children, to assure them that they’ve done nothing wrong to cause the loss, and no amount of eating their vegetables will bring the person back.
Encourage Them to Share How They’re Feeling
There are numerous children’s books out there about death. Reading together, with age-appropriate materials, is a great way to help children open up about what they’re feeling. Other great ways to help children talk through their emotions is by drawing pictures or looking at photos.
Continue with Normal Routines
Most children find great comfort in the routines in life, so try to stick to as many as possible. Also, by maintaining a normal schedule and structure to their day-to-day life, you help children see that although death is an ending, life itself goes on.
Be Flexible with Expectations
While it’s important to retain as much consistency in their lives as possible, sensitivity and flexibility are key when your child acts out in response to a loss. Changes in school progress, eating habits, sleep patterns and in younger children even age-regressing behaviors, are all normal and require a bit more understanding and support on the adult’s part.
Show Them That You’re Grieving Too
By modeling your own grief and emotions, you show children that not only is it ok to grieve, but that they aren’t alone in how they feel. Show them that it’s possible to express your sadness and grief, while still managing your reaction to the pain you feel.
